Speaking Your Truth & Hearing Theirs

Mindful awareness sets the stage, but true connection requires skill. This part equips you with the two essential arts of transformative dialogue. First, you will learn to express your inner world with clarity and personal responsibility. Then, we turn outward to master the often-neglected art of listening—not to win, but to truly understand and connect beyond words.

Jump to the Following Sections

• How to Express Ourselves Clearly and Completely
• Identify Your Goal
• Others are not Responsible for Your Happiness.
• How Do We Change Our Mind?
• The Art of Listening
• What is Judgment?
• What is Deep Listening?
• Listen with Silence

Table of Contents

How to Express Ourselves Clearly and Completely

Identify Your Goal

Others are not Responsible for Your Happiness.

How Do We Change Our Mind?

The Art of Listening

What is Judgment?

What is Deep Listening?

Listen with Silence

How to Express Ourselves Clearly and Completely

Once we become mindful of our thoughts and emotions, the next challenge is to express ourselves clearly and firmly, without the fear of how others would react.

Most of the time, we are not clear about what we need to say. We will know that we are not happy about something, but we don’t know how to express it or what to say. And you cannot express something clearly if you do not understand your internal world clearly.

At times, we are afraid to express our thoughts and emotions because of the fear of rejections, unacceptance, or disapproval, of others. Sometimes we are afraid to ask her out because of the fear of rejection. At times, we are afraid to ask for a raise from our boss because of the fear of their disapproval. If we want a break from our partner, it is not always easy to express our intentions because of the fear of how they would react. At other times, we are afraid to express our opinion because of the fear of what others might think of us. Most of the time, our fears are holding us from freely expressing ourselves.

Since we are all unique individuals, we all have unique thoughts, beliefs, understanding, emotions, and a unique lifestyle. And we are all experiencing a unique set of problems in our lives. I can’t tell you what to think, feel, or what problems to experience, just as you can’t tell me.

We experience thoughts and emotions according to certain universal law and we cannot control this flow of thoughts and emotions; it happens naturally according to our unique circumstances. I can’t point to someone on the street and ask you to fall in love with that person. This needs to happen naturally and not because I asked you to. Similarly, I can’t convince you that healthy communication is crucial for healthy relationships. This also needs to be understood with once own experience, not because I said so. We also have a unique way of expressing ourselves to others.

Clear expression isn’t just about choosing the right words. It is the truthful expression of what you think, how you feel, and what you intend from the relationship or communication.

Since we are unique, we should never be afraid to express ourselves. You are not meant to think like others, and they are not meant to think like you. When you need to express something, learn to be firm and direct. Stand your ground, regardless of how others may see or judge you.

Your goal is to express your point of view clearly; it is then up to the listener to accept or reject it. If they reject your opinion, that is okay—they have every right, as unique individuals, just as you have the right to express yourself without fear of their judgment. Remember, you have your perspectives, and they have theirs. You have a right to be yourself, just as others have a right to be themselves.

Of course, this doesn’t mean we should be insensitive or rude. We can learn to respect others for their uniqueness while honoring our own. Kindness is one of our most profound humans’ qualities and learning to extend it not only benefits others but enriches our own lives. Ultimately, this is the true purpose of relationships: we are all here to serve, learn from, and grow with one another.

When you need to have an important conversation, take a moment to be mindful first. By using the self-inquiry questions outlined earlier to examine your thoughts, emotions, and intentions, you will gain a clear picture of what needs to be said and understood.

When you question yourself, don’t just stop at “I think it’s wrong” or “I feel upset.” Dig deeper. Ask yourself why you think it’s wrong. Unpack what “upset” truly means—are you sad, disappointed, frustrated, or afraid?

Identify Your Goal

Before you speak, it is a good idea to identify your goal, the true purpose of your communication. To be mindful of what you need to express, you can also use the self-inquiry questions, outlined below, to pinpoint the exact thought, emotion, and the goal of your expression.

• What is the true purpose of this communication?
• Am I having this conversation to be understood or to be right?
• Am I expressing my true feelings?
• What solutions am I looking for?
• What can I do to repair this connection?
• What boundaries do I need to set?

Clarity of purpose shapes your entire message.

When you express yourself, be calm and respectfully listen to the other person without any judgments. Don’t blame others for how you feel. And if you are angry, just say I’m angry but I’m not blaming you for my anger. It is my problem to deal with. And try not to impose your thoughts, beliefs, and emotions on the other person. You can’t eat from them, and they can’t eat for you. The other person is a unique individual just like you. And it is up to the other person whether to agree with you or not. If the other person doesn’t agree with you, that’s okay too. Because they have their own thoughts, emotions, and their own way of understanding things.

But your goal is to express yourself completely whether they understand or agree with you or not. And if they don’t agree with you, then you need to decide what is best for you. Do you want to stay in the same relationship, do you want to keep the same job, or do you need to make a change? And if you do decide to move on, then try to do it with compassion; allowing others to find their own happiness while you set yourself free to find your own happiness. And most importantly, don’t let others control your happiness. You are in control of your happiness.

We do not need to live in fear of changes. Change is fact of life; everything in the universe changes constantly. And if we try to resist this change, it will only invite more suffering into our lives. Stop resting, start trusting. Trust yourself and trust the universe. There are things beyond our control. We can’t control earthquakes or the weather. We can learn to control what we can and be patient with what we can’t control. We can’t force someone to love us, but we can learn to let go.

There are no mistakes in life, everything happens for a good reason. Just as we need wildfires for soil enrichment. Trust the universe and the universe will never abandon you. The universe will deliver unconditionally what is meant for you. But it will be delivered when it is ready and not when you are ready.

It doesn’t matter whether the glass is half full or half empty. What matters is what you are going to do with it. Are you going to drink it or throw it away? Others don’t have to agree with you and neither do you. We can agree to disagree and still be friends while acknowledging our uniqueness. Let others be themselves and you be you. The tigers do not fight because they have unique stripes on their body. So, why should we fight over our uniqueness?

We can learn to embrace the uniqueness that nature or the universe has given to us. Everything in this world is unique, there are not two flowers with the same petals, no two animals behave the same way, no two people have the same personality. The universe has its own way of bonding all together. If everybody thinks and feels the same way, then this world will be very boring. If everybody wants to be doctors, then we will not have other professions, and the world will be still primitive, and it will not grow.

Understanding is more important than been right. Most of the time, we get into arguments just to be right and prove that the other person is wrong. Since we are unique individuals, there is no point in arguing and proving that you are right. We all have a right to think the way we think and feel, whether it seems right or wrong from the conventional point of view. Understanding brings wisdom and been right brings temporary satisfaction.

When having a conversation, it is also important to pay attention to our tone of voice and body language. Rember, our words only account for 7% of our messages; the other 97% are tone of our voice and body language. And if your tone of voice and body language doesn’t match what you are expressing, then you are not expressing what you truly need to express. You can’t say “I’m not angry” with a clenched jaw and sharp tone. The non-verbal message will win. If your intention is peaceful, let your body be relaxed and your tone be calm. Our verbal and non-verbal communication is crucial for our success.

Others are not Responsible for Your Happiness.

Others are not responsible for our life, our thoughts, or our emotions. Ultimately, we are the ones who must take responsibility for them.

Think of your emotions as the dashboard in a car. It reflects what’s happening inside your own vehicle—not what’s happening in the cars around you. When your fuel light comes on, it’s telling you to refill, not the other drivers on the road.

In the same way, we must take responsibility for our own thoughts, emotions, and actions. If we depend on others to make us happy, we give away our power and become dependent—allowing them to steer our inner state. We cannot change others any more than we can pull a tree from the ground to make it grow faster. True change begins within, by nurturing our own mind and heart.

How Do We Change Our Mind?

To change our mind, we must first change our perception. When we shift how we see a situation, our feelings naturally follow.

Imagine you are walking down a street and see a snake on the path. Fear instantly arises. But as you look more closely, you realize it is only a coiled rope. What happens to your fear? It disappears—transformed by a new perception.

In this way, every change begins with seeing differently. Every door that closes opens another. Every chapter that ends allows a new one to begin. True change starts within, in the quiet space where we choose how to see.

This principle applies to everything in life, not just communication. Others can only act as a mirror, reflecting back what you may need to see within yourself.

They may not say it directly, but it is your responsibility to listen—to absorb what resonates and let go of what does not apply to you. It is like chewing gum: you savor the flavor, and when it no longer serves you, you gently let it go.

The Art of Listening

Clear expression is only one half of dialogue. The other half is listening. We cannot fully express ourselves unless we are also willing to listen. True communication asks that we be as open to understanding others as we are eager to be understood.

We know that when we speak, we share our thoughts, emotions, and intentions. In the same way, when we listen, we receive another person’s inner world—their thoughts, emotions, and intentions.

Communication is an act of both giving and receiving, of expressing and listening. When we engage in dialogue, we offer our perspective and welcome another’s—through words, tone, and body language.

Communication is a two-way street. Listening is not merely a part of it; it is the vital counterpart to speaking. Without attentive listening, communication remains incomplete. To communicate effectively, we must first learn to listen deeply.

Listening is a more complex process than we often realize. When we hear someone speak, sound waves travel through the air, enter our ears, vibrate the eardrum, and send signals to the brain. There, the mind forms a thought and a judgment about what was said. Based on that judgment, we then feel a happy, unhappy, or neutral emotion.

For example, if someone says, “thank you,” we interpret it positively and feel appreciated. If someone says, “get lost,” we understand the rejection and may feel upset. This entire process—from sound to feeling—happens almost instantly, because the mind processes information at lightning speed.

We know there are five kinds of objects in the world: visible, audible, olfactory, gustatory, and tangible. When we listen to someone, what we are hearing is an audible object.

This object, like any other, carries no inherent power to make us happy or unhappy. It only gains that power if we give it, through the judgments we form in our mind.

So how can we find peace, no matter what is said to us? To understand this, we must look more closely at the nature of judgment itself.

What is Judgment?

We have already discussed the judging nature of the conscious mind. This tendency fills our communications, as we constantly evaluate whether things are right or wrong, good or bad, pleasing or disappointing.

For example, if your partner tells you they want to end the relationship, you’ll immediately understand the words—and likely form a painful judgment, followed by sadness about what is to come. If, instead, they tell you they’re buying you a car for Christmas, your judgment will be one of gratitude and joy.

In both cases, it is the judgment—the story we tell ourselves about what something means—that shapes how we feel.

Judgment is a form of perception, and perception is a mental notation, a kind of inner mark we make of an experience.

For example, when you see a car for the first time, you create a mental note of its shape, size, and features. This notation allows you to recognize a car in the future and distinguish it from, say, a train. You know a car has four wheels, not four legs, because your mind has noted what defines it.

All our experiences come to us through the mind and the five senses: sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch. This means we perceive the world through six doors: the mind door, and the doors of the eye, ear, nose, tongue, and body.

Through the mind door, we experience thoughts and emotions. Through the five sense doors, we experience objects—the sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and textures of the world.

Perception is a double-edged sword. It can guide us toward wise decisions, or it can lead us into unnecessary suffering. That is why it is up to us to guard our minds and watch our perceptions with careful attention.

When someone speaks to us, we must learn to listen deeply—without letting our immediate judgments cloud our emotions or our understanding. How do we do this?

What is Deep Listening?

Deep listening is more than just hearing words, it is about presence, empathy, and true understanding. It is one of the most profound and generous gifts we can offer in any relationship. In this way, it becomes both the cornerstone of understanding and the quiet engine of meaningful connection.

To be able to listen completely, we need to learn to turn off our internal radio, the thoughts, emotions, judgments, and stories in our mind. Pause your internal world, take a deep breath, let go of your judgments, and listen with the intention to understand the other person through their lance. Remember, we are all unique and we all have a unique internal world and internal suffering and problems.

Listen with Silence

Silence allows us to listen deeply, and deep listening helps to ease the suffering of others. When we listen with stillness, we become a mirror, a safe space where others can release what weighs on them. There’s no need to rush in with our own opinions; we can offer our thoughts when the moment is right, after they have finished speaking.

Too often, we spend our listening time preparing what to say next. In doing so, we miss what is actually being shared. Mindful silence does not mean we let others overwhelm us. It means we choose our moment: we speak when our own mind is clear, and when the other person is truly ready to listen.

When listening, it is also important to pay attention to the other person’s words, tone of voice, and body language. A deep listener attends to all three channels.

What is the core narrative or complaint?

What emotion is carried in their voice?

What is their posture, their facial expression, their energy telling you?

If the other person’s words don’t match their tone or body language, you might gently and respectfully point it out. You could say something like:

“I want to make sure I’m understanding you fully—your tone (or your expression) seems to tell a slightly different story than your words. Is there more you’d like to share? I just want to make sure I’m understanding you fully.”

Your goal is not to win an argument, give advice, or share your own story. The goal is to fully comprehend the other person’s experience—to become an investigator of their inner world, without imposing your beliefs. You might ask open-ended questions such as:

• Why did you say that?
• What do you mean by that?
• Why are you angry with me, what did I do wrong?
• How do you truly feel about this?
• What do you expect me to change?
• How do you expect me to feel?
• What can we do to solve this problem?
• How can we work together?
• How can we be happy together?

These questions can help the other person to ease their emotions and frustrations. You can open yourself up to what is being shared, without immediately filtering it through your own opinions. Let the words, tone, and emotion land and acknowledge them with respect. You don’t necessarily have to fix the problem or solve it at this moment. You can simply provide the container for their expression. Remember, we are all here to serve each other and grow from each other.

We can learn to help others to unclutter their minds and hearts. Clarify their thoughts and emotions as you learned to do this through self-inquiring questions. People often speak to understand their own feelings. By listening, you become a mirror that helps them see themselves more clearly.

In the end, deep listening is an act of love and a practical skill. It transforms conflicts into conversations and isolation into intimacy. It is how we truly “learn and grow from each other.